In my last blog post here, I shared the beauty and (my) awful reality of a first trimester. Thanks to immense nausea, finding out I was pregnant was both a kiss on the cheek and a punch to the gut. My second trimester was a little of the same but also completely different. There were different joys and pains, along with different opportunities for self-growth and inward shifts. Pregnancy is a lot about growing outward (and sideways) but also about growing inward. Ask anyone that’s gone through it, you start your pregnancy as one kind of person and end up as another. Not too too different, but enough. That’s been the major focus for me this trimester.
I didn’t stop throwing up until I was 22 weeks? The last time I threw up was in Venice, on our European babymoon. I hadn’t gotten sick in a week and that was a first for me! I was soaring in between gelato servings and pasta dishes until one night, the sickness came back. I threw up for a solid hour and then the next morning. And here’s the worst part for me: of course it’s uncomfortable to throw up, but after the sickness clears I am left with popped veins and a swollen face. The veins and capillaries around my eyes form light bruises and I look like I have a rash… it’s QUITE the sight, and it usually takes me about 4-6 days to heal, so when you’re throwing up constantly,… let’s just say, I wasn’t ready for any close-ups until my 22nd week of pregnancy. Yikes.
Then came weeks 22-26 and those were some of the easiest for me! I got a surge of energy, inspiration, a completely calm stomach, and a roaring appetite. I felt most like me… except with a growing human inside. Honestly, some moments, for a few short minutes,… I’d even forget I was pregnant! And then I’d remember and it’d hit me all over again in a familiar way. I started feeling baby’s movements around 18 weeks. Little swarms of bubbles and tiny jabs. He’s quite the little mover and we are so proud! He’s also measuring consistently big and I can NOT wrap my head around that. I’ve always been told how “tiny” I am. I guess it’s not the worst thing to hear and at a pre-pregnancy weight of 107lbs, it seems accurate but all the midwives and friends have also told me to expect a “petite” baby. I roll my eyes to that and depending on where my hormones are at, I may also daydream of flipping them off. My absolute DREAM is to give birth to an 8lb baby, so I’m always crushed when people don’t “believe” it can happen. Every time I get told he’s measuring “advanced” or “bigger than average,” I throw a silent fist in the air. HA! “Tiny” people CAN give birth to big babies. BYEEEEE. (Let’s hope I don’t jinx it and it stays this way).
We moved a few weeks ago and that was ROUGH. A few of you told me how crazy we are for doing so, and you’re so right! But we love this house so much more and I can’t wait to show you guys all we’ve done with the place, especially the nursery once it’s complete. I wasn’t able to contribute as much to our move as I had wanted to. I packed most of the boxes and organized the move, but I wasn’t able to lift anything, or even bend too much, and that was sooo frustrating. I felt so guilty watching everyone do everything while I just sat on the couch looking like a lazy person. I felt compelled to tell people, “I’m pregnant” just to justify my sedentery state, but that’s month 6 of pregnancy for you.
Never have I felt so fragile AND limited. It’s hard to do little things like sweep the house these days. I have to do it in chunks. My mantra when it comes to getting things done is, “It’s okay to be tired. Take all the breaks you need” whereas in the past, before baby, it was more like, “Do all the things. All the time. You’re not tired, you’re fine” ahhh… so I guess you could say pregnancy has taught me a lot about slowing down, even on a philosophical level. It’s taught me to give myself grace and allow myself to BE whatever I need to be… and most importantly, to check back in with my body and not just ignore my tiredness or thirst or hunger so that I can get something done. Everything else can wait, my body no longer can.
The only anxiety on my mind these days is breastfeeding. If I have to be 100% honest, I’d say that as much as I love being pregnant because it’s bringing me a baby, I hateeee being pregnant on it’s own. Pregnancy isn’t really something I enjoy, though I would never give it up. Growing HIM is the only reason I do this… and maybe that’s women everywhere? But I guess I get the impression that some women just love being human incubators. They love being pregnant and can’t wait to do it again. Maybe the nausea ruined it for me… but there are other aspects of pregnancy I just can’t wait to be done with… like the round ligament pain, the not sleeping on my back, the awkwardness during sex sometimes, the getting tired more quickly than I’m mentally ready for, weekly visits to the chiropractor to realign my hips, waiting what feels like forever in anticipation to meet him, etc… I don’t often complain out loud, but I catch myself thinking, “ah, just 13 more weeks… 12 more weeks…” So when I think about breastfeeding I get SO anxious. I want to be able to drink alcohol and not worry about my diet affecting my milk supply or baby’s allergies… I just want completely to have my body back, but it’s not something I’m willing to forgo breastfeeding for. I want to give our baby the best I can give, and for me, it’s breastfeeding. I just sort of dread the commitment these days, as well as the ability. What if I can’t? What if it’s a hard road towards developing a supply… etc. There’s just a lot on my mind about breastfeeding.
Being a mother is such an immense sacrifice… something I think I am slowly beginning to understand and cherish. More than anything, I feel SO blessed and I would NEVER give this up. Not one bit. I’m grateful. I’m at peace (overall), and I’m just so happy to have this opportunity. So I try not to feel guilty when I dread certain aspects along the way. I tell myself it’s normal and it’s HARD and I’m allowed to feel my way through it all.
How about you? Did you enjoy every aspect of pregnancy? What were some of the rough parts for you? I always share with the intention of shedding light to the curious but also bringing to light those that may feel “different” and because of that, maybe a little “isolated.” We all have our very own journey and mine is definitely not social media perfect, it’s human perfect… and perfect ONLY in the sense that I accept it and embrace it. I label it “perfect” because it’s mine… and I tend to like that word 😉 and I bet that your journey is “perfect”, too!