My first trimester has grown me body, heart, and mind, it has challenged me (more than I thought I would ever be), and it has brought a new wholeness to me that I knew existed. And I’ve been waiting for.
I found out we were expecting at week 5. My period was late by a week but I assumed it was due to a wonky hormone cycle (which happens to me every so often) and I didn’t think anything of it. No sign of my period arriving so I started to get suspicious thinking back on if we could possibly be pregnant or if there was even a slight chance this could have happened! I knew of just ONE instance where mmmmaybe a baby could’ve been conceived (we’re very careful) but I thought it was slim so I shrugged it off. A couple days later and the nagging feeling of possibilities finally dragged me to the nearby pharmacy store. I picked up the cheapest tests I could find (didn’t even tell Adam I was suspecting), came home, peed in a cup, dipped the test, watched the dye fill in the control line, told myself, “yeah… you’re not pregnant,” looked away for a second, looked back at the test… and IT. WAS. POSITIVE.
I quickly yanked that test out of the cup, hands clasped to my mouth in the kind of total disbelief that makes you a little dizzy. My mind finally grasping the reality, I’M PREGNANT! and so I started screaming in excitement and disbelief. The tears came shortly after, I paced back and forth from my hallway all the way back into the bathroom, all the way out of the bathroom… screaming, crying, staring at it… wondering if I’ve forgotten what a positive looks like, reminding myself that a plus sign is positive, that I’m not seeing things. That I am pregnant and there is life inside of me. People talk about the happiest moment of their lives. This was mine. I instantly knew it.
A baby was not in our plans until I was 30, 31… I had all these ideas of where we should travel first, how many thousands of dollars we should have in a savings account, what kind of career title Adam should hold, what kind of home we should have already bought… all before bringing a baby into this world. I’ve wanted to be a mom since I was maybe 4 or 5. I’ve always loved children and I surrounded myself with kids all throughout my life, cousins, daycare jobs, nanny jobs, babysitting for church families, eventually becoming a behavioral therapist working solely with children with disabilities. Children are my heaven. Truly. And so I wanted to reserve a “perfect” spot in my life before I brought in my very own.
We are absolutely blessed to already be at a place where Adam can fully take care of us, and we can still travel and save money on top of it. I don’t have to work. I get to be a wife and a blogger and a friend and just sort of figure out where I want to go in life. Luckily, we’ve already travelled a bunch, both of us living in different countries at one point in our lives, and so all of these “things” I thought I needed and “hundreds” of thousands of dollars (I’m crazy) I thought we should have is sooo so so so far behind us now. Just goes to show the most important thing in life isn’t to travel, be rich, have nice things… it’s the people you surround yourself with. Take it from me. And now that I’m a mother, I can’t imagine why I wanted to wait so long. Life has perfect timing. I’d rather be a mother.
Flashback to that bathroom scene with me clutching a test I just peed on (gross but we all do it), I immediately wanted to text Adam. I was SO excited but decided I should wait and make it special. I arranged a Moses basket with all sorts of baby things in it. A baby bonnet, little booties, a book, rattle, and the tests. I put it on top of our bed and I waited for him to come home. “Where do I sit? Should I stand next to it? Should I lay down, what? No, that’s weird. Whattt do I do.” I hear him opening our door and now I’ve got no time to overthink this. I sit on the place in the bed I always sit. I hear him coming up the stairs, “Mon! You upstairs?” I say nothing. I’ll cry if I say something. I might excitedly say, “yes!” which I normally don’t do. I don’t want to tip a n y t h i n g off. I wait this out. I’ll be silent.
He comes in. Sees the bassinet. Gives me a strange, “Why is that on there?” look. I just smile. “Dang it,” I tell myself, “Don’t smile, you’re looking suspicious.” I smile big anyways. He puts his stuff down and walks over. Sees all the baby things, “Oh this is cute?” I can see his body start to pull in and think of kissing me, and he stops. He FINALLY sees the tests. He looks down as if looking at a document, “What? Is this yours?” A smile forms. “Are we pregnant?” I cry. Which means yes. We both hug and cry. We can’t believe it… together.
I have this moment saved under my phone’s audio recordings. A moment we’ll keep forever.
When I look back, I can NOW see where there were hints here and there that I was pregnant. I threw up the morning I missed my period. Didn’t think anything of it. Adam and I blamed it on the really greasy potato tacos I had for brunch that morning. I slept a lot during thanksgiving week… like a lot. Blamed it on the turkey. A family member commented, “I’m surprised you ate so much today. You usually eat like a bird.” A problem I’ve had since I was little… cursed with a small appetite. But I ate a lot and thought it was just a miracle letting me enjoy thanksgiving dinner like a normal human being. I had some cramping, but more like tugging twinges. Never felt that before. Little things here and there that make me think there WERE signs, despite not fully processing any of them.
I am 16 weeks pregnant now! We go on our baby moon in 4.5 weeks! It’s one of the best times of our lives. Everything is happy and growing and the house is a mess and I don’t cook as often as I wish I did and I take a lot of naps now and I’m avoiding anywhere public because of this year’s flu season and I consider it all amazing. Our life, it’s us. It’s ours.
It’s perfect… and it’s not perfect. And I love it.